You know, I think as Mom’s we face so many pressures and stresses. I really don’t think it matters whether you are an at-home mom, a working mom, a work from home mom, a kids go to school mom or a homeschool mom. There is pressure. There is stress.
Let me just let the cat out of the proverbial bag now…I don’t think we can actually have ‘it all.’ I don’t care whether you are super wealthy and can hire all the help in the world or dirt poor and scraping by for each and every dime. You can’t have it all. Now, that may sound rather harsh, but I really think it is the truth and I really think we as women need to accept that.
It just seems to me that somewhere along the way, we bought into the society pressures that women can do it all and look damn good doing it. I think Pinterest and blogs make us think that people really can and in fact do have it all.
I love Pinterest and obviously, as a blogger, I love blogs. The thing of it is, and why I started this keeping it real series, you don’t see the full picture. You don’t see that the laundry is still on the couch to be folded or know that it has been there for a week because when I’m finally done working for the day at 11:00pm, I just want to veg with a glass of wine and watch one short TV show before I have to go to bed, so I can get up and do ‘It All’ again. You don’t see that my dog, that we adopted a few months ago, pooped on the carpet again and that I’ve run out of carpet cleaner because apparently I’m not good at potty training a dog in addition to all my other responsibilities.
In December, when we were in Arizona, I met a new friend. Kat is the wife of a boy I knew through my cousins growing up. She just started blogging and she is a homeschool mom as well (Confessions of the Perfect Mom). I’ve been helping her out, more likely I’ve been completely overwhelming her, but that is a whole other series I could start for newbie bloggers. Kat asked me something along the lines of what my secret was because blogging takes more time than she thought it would. I was embarrassed to answer her…because my secret is that I work my ass off. When I first started blogging I worked. I worked some more and I worked some more. I worked 7 days a week to get my name out there and begin to build an audience. I neglected friends, I neglected the house, I neglected a lot.
You know what my answer was to Kat? I told her the truth. I told her there is no secret. I get up at 7 am. From 7 am until 10:30 pm I am going. First it is taking care of myself by excersicing, then getting myself and the kids ready, work, homeschool, work some more, take kids to activities, do some laundry, hopefully clean the house for a few minutes, work some more, get the kids to bed, work some more. 10:30…hopefully, I’m done for the day and can have a little time to relax before I need to force myself to go to bed(I’d prefer to stay up ’til 1am if I could). I was embarrased to give her the full answer. Why?
I felt like I was doing something bad or wrong that I live this way. I’m not saying it is ideal, but the truth is we need the income my blog generates AND it allows me to do something I love, homeschool and most improtantly to me, to be at home with my sweet kiddos.
The thing of it is, even if it was in some small way, she thought I had it all. She thought I had figured out the secret. Ladies, there is no secret! If someone seems like they have it all together and have a perfect life and have it all, they don’t. They just may be embarrased to tell the truth like I was to tell Kat. As though my working my ass off, is a bad thing and I’ve done something wrong. I’m sure there are those who would say it is wrong {or at the very least, that I should stop swearing so much ;-)}, but I would like to say π to them! Yeah, I’m super mature like that….lol!
There is no having it all. I think we have Pinterest and bloggers to blame, but mostly I think we have ourselves to blame. Did I just say that? I did. I think we need to stop playing games and be honest with the truth of what our lives look like…or at a minimum, (because really does anyone want to know that the dog had another mess in the house?) stop comparing. Stop looking at others and assuming that what you see on the surface is the truth.
We are like an iceberg. What you see on the surface is only a small percentage of that iceberg. Wouldn’t you agree that we as woman are very much like that iceberg (only with much cuter clothes and makeup!)? There is so much brewing below the surface, so much depth and beauty and imperfection that is what makes the iceberg the force to be reckoned with. Let me tell you, that is what we are, we are a force to be reckoned with….IF we can own our own depth, beauty, imperfection and way of doing things that may look very different than the way anyone else does it.
I’m going to stand up (or sit here and type it) and say to the world….”I DON’T HAVE IT ALL! I DON’T HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER! I’M GOING TO EMBRACE THAT AND BE THE WOMAN I AM INTENDED TO BE!”
Please, please, please don’t ever read my blog and see that I’m a blogger and I homeschool and I do all these projects, etc., and etc. and marvel at what I do and then turn around and feel badly about what you do. You are a beautiful woman and what you are doing, whether it be working, homeschooling, taking your kids to school, staying at home, or eating bon bons all day (are there any people who have ever done that?)….if it is what you are intended to do and you are following you gut or intuition and leading the beautiful life that is you…stand up and embrace it. Be proud of what you do. Please don’t compare…I don’t want the pressure and I’m sure you don’t either.
I will leave you with a quote that I aspire to and a picture of a DIY that I will show you next week.
I went to a Bloggy Bootcamp conference last year, Tiffany Romero got on a soapbox similar to the rant I just had. It was simply wonderful. She really had some great words for the women who were at the conference. The one that hit me smack between the eyes was: “It’s not about chasing balance, It’s about being 100% with where we are.” Let that sink in for a minute.
I think too often, we are trying to balance it all…it is that trying to keep all the plates spinning and get everything right, at least it is for me. She just straight up said, there is no such thing as balance. OK, if you are like me , you need to let that one sink in as well.
No such thing as balance, resonates with me. You know why? I’ve been chasing balance my whole life. If I haven’t found it in 42 years and let’s be clear…I haven’t found ‘It.’ Maybe it doesn’t exist. If I can become OK with it not existing(which may take the rest of my life), then what. Then it is time to just embrace being 100% with where I am in that moment in my life. If I am working, give it my all. If I am with my kids, put away the smartphone and be 100% with them. It pains me to say this, but if it is with doing laundry, give it 100%. Think about what an impact it would make on ourselves and especially our children if we gave them 100% when we were with them. Our work 100% when we are working. Multi-tasking, while revered in our culture, may not be the best choice for living a life of meaning and purpose and of a beautiful iceberg. I feel like that is a whole other topic, which perhaps I will blog about another day.
So, can we give up the notion of having’it all’? Can we stop comparing? and embrace the beauty and depth that is each woman walking on this planet? For the sake of the two girls I am raising, I sure hope so. I hope they grow up not having any clue that women felt this way. I hope they grow up knowing their beauty and depth and enjoying it and embracing it proudly rather than comparing and striving for having ‘it all.’
What do you think? Do you compare your life, house, kids, clothes, etc? Do you strive for balance?
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 βMany women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.β
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
31 Honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
I got it all when I got my daughter!!
First, that you so much for mentioning me!! (I am a stat person as you know, and I have had several hits on my blog from this!) It means a lot that you have taken so much time out of your busy life to answer all my little (and at times I am sure annoying) questions. I truly feel like my blog has grown and benefited so much from your advice, and suggestions. Secondly, I (and I know many moms) really appreciate the “behind the veil” post. You hit the nail on the head, all we see of others is the “perfection” they have for the outside world. Whether that is Pinterest, Blogs (where you don’t see the failed projects just the ones perfect for photos), Facebook (With everyone smiling and happy), or any other social media. As a mom/woman I think it is hard not to compare yourself with what you see around you, and when all you see is the photo shopped perfect lives, it is very hard to not feel like you are failing in some way. Last (before I post a book to your comments lol), You do a FANTASTIC job. Your girls are simply adorable and so well behaved/polite/smart. Your blog is awesome, as you know I followed you before I met you. And you have been an irreplaceable new friend to me. (Lets be honest, no one really cares that the laundry from last week is still on the couch. I mean it is easier to find stuff there anyway π ) Great Post and just the reminder that I needed today!!
Your questions are never annoying! I’m so glad we met and that I have been able to help you out! I will enjoy continuing to do so as well!
Thank you so much for all your super sweet comments to me, as I said in my text to you, everything you had to say meant a lot to me and brought tears to my eyes. It was a much needed pat on the back. Thanks! β₯
KC
So true!
Always love your keeping it real posts!
(=
Carrie
Thank you, Carrie! π Have a great night.
You couldn’t have hit the nail on the head any harder! I agree, we have to stop comparing “ourselves” to others. When we see pics of other people’s homes we are seeing a pigeon hole of their life, the rest of the place may be a disaster. Lately I have been working so much and so late that I fall asleep in the middle of working. My house is not the tidiest right now; not only am I in the middle of several blog projects, but I haven’t had the time to pick up like I would have in the past. These days when I do a post I pick up the area where I am photographing and the pics look great, but all around it, it’s crazy! The blog world is a new one to me and my family, I never dreamed it would take so much time; I always wondered what people meant when they said that. Thank you for your lovely post! π
Welcome to bloggy world! Yes, it does take so much time and I don’t think, unless you are or have been a blogger, you can have any idea exactly how much time it takes. It is so easy to neglect a lot of things. Everything you are describing sounds totally normal. You are right, it is so hard not to compare and sometimes I think as bloggers we have it worse because we are seeing so many other bloggers and posts…it is hard not to compare and feel dissatisfied with what we have. At least in this moment, we have been real and we both know our houses are a mess. That is a good start, right?! Have a great night!
KC
Thank you! You know last night when I read this I was trucking along and feeling fine, but exhausted; when I got up this morning I felt frustrated, even more exhausted and overall discouraged. I am really glad I read your post when I did, I keep reminding myself of it when I start to feel that way and it helps push me through. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect!
Oh yes I agree it’s def a good start! π Happy Thursday to you!
I’m so glad it was so helpful to you. I find blogging to be very much as you just described it, one day things seem to be going so well and the next I feel completely different. That was my yesterday and today as well. I guess it is just like that sometimes (not all the time). Take care,
KC
I love this post. Very true.
Looking like you have it all together is just looking like you have it all together.
Thank you! You are so right and often, it seems to me that those who seem like they have it all together are the farthest from being all together behind closed doors.
Wise words and well written, KC. A great post!!!
Thanks Pam! I saw that you shared this on Facebook as well. Thanks so much. I think I need to re-read what I wrote and get back on track. Seems to be a recurrent thing, right? We do great for a while and then get off track. I guess it is just that busy time of year here, but I feel off track for sure. Thanks for your sweet comment.